Peace is multi-generational.

Difficulties are part of life. Most people have survived some traumatic event or loss of a loved one. How we accept it and work through grief can make us stronger and more understanding of others. How we describe this process of grieving and healing to ourselves or others can be empowering. "Instead of saying: 'I'm damaged, I'm broken, I have trust issues,' say: 'I'm healing, I'm rediscovering myself, I'm starting over.' Positive self talk." - Horacio Jones ( GoodReads ) Sometimes childhood issues can be affecting adult feelings about oneself. Things that were said or done to a child may subconsciously leave the adult feeling they aren't as skilled or successful as they truly are and may know at an intellectual level. Or sometimes an adult may not feel deserving of love because children can feel at fault for whatever happens in childhood. The topic is discussed in more detail in an article "What You Think May Not Be What You Feel, " by Leon F Setzer, PhD., ( Psychology Today ). Childhood fears and treatment techniques are also discussed in a blog post: Reframing Fear . Disclaimer: Information provided for educational purposes within the guidelines of fair use.

Trauma survivors have to move emotional memories into longer term storage that is less emotional to help recover mentally. As many as one in four survivors of trauma may develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Reminders of the trauma, as minimal as a color or smell or name, may set off the memory pattern that can include behaviors which can be dangerous if the memory involved some threat. Soldiers may react with defensive moves or attack which can put any bystanders at risk, or people with self injury habits may react in a way harmful to themselves. The reaction isn't a temper tantrum or taking offense at the slight reminder of color/smell/name/whatever set off the memory. It is a behavior response, a series of brain cells connected in the pathway that was learned during the trauma. Just talking about the trauma or just being reminded of it may actually make the learned response pathway stronger - and more of a risk of being set off again from reminders. Therapy that works at the deeper emotions involved can help reach those wordless emotional areas of the brain memory and may help calm the over reaction created by the stressful event or events. Music or art therapy or meditative types of therapy like EMDR may help move the memory from the emotional amygdala area of the brain into longer term less emotional areas of memory. See " Calming Trauma: How Understanding the Brain Can Help ," Phoenix-Society.org . More about Art Therapy is available here: G1. Art & Relaxation . More about Music Therapy and EMDR is available here: G6. Music & Movement . Disclaimer: Opinions are my own and the information is provided for educational purposes within the guidelines of fair use. While I am a Registered Dietitian this information is not intended to provide individual health guidance. Please see a health professional for individual health care purposes.

What if your parent or your child or your spouse (or coworker or boss) turn out to have gaslighting/emotional manipulation tendencies (see previous post ) or other narcissistic behavior? You can't always just leave or quickly end a relationship and even if you do end a relationship there may be ongoing co-parenting and custody or other shared responsibilities to work out together. No Contact may be the best solution for personal mental health or physical safety, (see affirmations for going No Contact from an abusive narcissist , by Shahida Arabi), however it may not be possible immediately or at all, especially if the person is a coworker or boss, or parent. You can look for a new job but might need a recommendation from the boss, you can wait to grow up but that takes a while and then going No Contact with a parent is still painful. So what to do in the meantime? Severe narcissism often has to do with the person's childhood when they may have been bullied themselves or devalued. Coping with their defense mechanisms as adults often means modeling healthy behavior yourself. The narcissist may not really have experienced healthy communication in their own past and the defense skills that may have developed can be infuriating - literally. The subconscious goal of gaslighting/emotional manipulation may include trying to provoke an emotional response which may give the emotionally abusive person a sense of power or control, or feed their need for attention. So the most important coping tactic may be the last one mentioned in the article "How to De-Escalate a Fight with a Narcissist," by Elinor Greenberg, PhD, PsychologyToday,com . "Do Not Take the Bait." - The narcissist likes attention & is used to battling for it. They will/may say nasty and provoking things just to get a reaction -showing their ability to ruffle you. Stay calm & soothing. " Do not worry about right or wrong." - It is about feelings for the narcissist - they may never admit they are wrong. It would harm/prove their inner shame from childhood that they can't cope with. "Empathy teaches empathy," "Empathize with their feelings." -They may be extremely wrong but lose/lose point, it may just provoke them more to try to force their side. Soothe their feelings & don't bother mentioning your feelings, they don't get it. "Take Responsibility for Your Part" - Narcissists likely grew up in a household that devalued and shamed them leading to the defense mechanisms, so model appropriate, non-defensive responsibility, they may not be familiar with it. "Use We Language." - They can't accept blame because it would attack their inner child shame but they may be able to more gracefully accept a "We" statement - for the good of the country We need to work together on this important topic. "The No-Fault Do-Over," - an invention for coping with narcissism by the article's author Elinor Greenberg, PhD. - since trying for an apology or admission of blame is a no win possibility trying to move forward anyway is a strategy that may work: "Let's just take a No-Fault Do-Over & start again." " Ask a Question about a Topic that Interests Them ." Change the topic - narcissists like to feel admired and exhibit their knowledge so distracting them can be fairly easy. "Flattering True Statement + a Question" Flattery can work to switch the mood and a question can then serve to distract. "Ask for Advice" & "Tell Them Something True and Complimentary about Themselves" Obvious flattery/exaggerated may be taken as sarcasm and just be more to battle about. Asking for advice will show respect for their value and help heal their inner child. Why should you soothe them instead of trying to force them to recognize their own fault, or demand an apology or just leave? - because sometimes you can't walk away and not deal with them at all and even adult children need love that they may not have gotten as a child. Protecting yourself is important too. Escalating a lose/lose battle is a lose/lose for stress levels. If the narcissistic person is your own child it may help to examine what behavior you or other adults in the child's life are displaying as role models or society as a whole. Commercial advertisements and story lines in TV shows and movies often give messages of buying the best, being the best and only the best is worth valuing. Research suggests younger generations are suffering from increased levels of depression and anxiety and that social isolation may be a result of the pressure to excel. "Michelle Chen: The issue with millenials isn't narcissism but our depressing culture of mass consumption." nbcnews.com . Other research found increased responses agreeing with statements suggesting narcissism and decreased with statements suggesting empathy. "Why is Narcissism Increasing Among Young Americans?" , PsychologyToday ) /Disclaimer: This information is provided for educational purposes within the guidelines of fair use. While I am a Registered Dietitian this information is not intended to provide individual health guidance. Please see a health professional for individual health care purposes./